T.V.

I recently received in the mail a copy of Jenni “J-Woww” Farley’s book “The Rules According to JWoww: shore-tested secrets on landing a mint guy, staying fresh to death, and kicking the competition to the curb.” I could tell immediately that it was a fine piece of classic literature because the dust cover opens into a poster of Jenni holding a bouquet of roses and smiling that “Thank you for funding my next boob job” smile. The cover photo makes Jenni look like one of those porn stars in the Sex Ed video in the movie The Girl Next Door. I was pretty excited to read this book. I was expecting pretty much everything I encountered in this book, but I didn’t expect one crucial thing: This book was actually pretty darn good. Jenni has always been my favourite Jersey Shore guidette — she’s tough, savvy, and smart — but I didn’t realize that her personal success was based on her own personal trial and error and not good TV editing.

Written in handy chapters, Jenni’s book covers the sixty essential rules of being a girl: dating, relationships, breaking up, and personal style and hygiene. Some of these rules are great, like rule 25: If it smells like a hookup… it is a hookup, which says “if he’s got an itch, he knows he can call you and you’ll come running to scratch it.” Great advice to those girls who think “maybe this time…” Some of the things she says, however, are somewhat questionable: “All you get from sitting around scrolling websites for love is dimples in your a**.”

Inserted throughout the book are Cosmo-esque tips on things like “What to do if you f*** up your spray tan” and “Five red flags that he’s a control freak.” These tips make great additions to an otherwise solid book.

The only real problem I had with this book was the insertion of the same types of lines over and over: “Don’t do this if you’re under 21.” It seemed strange to me that Jenni would be constantly reminding her readers not to do ninety percent of the things we watch her do, week after week on Jersey Shore. The only explanation for this could be for insurance purposes. In order to cover their behinds, they put a disclaimer in. They may as well have written “If anything happens to you because you were dumb enough to get out of control, don’t come crying to us.”

All-in-all, I enjoyed this book, and I think that if one were to de-Jersey-ify this book, it would be a great guide for anyone hoping to get ahead.

A few months ago, I got hooked on the show 18 to Life. Filmed and set in Montreal, Quebec, 18 to Life is the story of two eighteen year olds who decide on a whim to get married. “Whim” isn’t the right word here. Technically Tom (Michael Seater) was dared to propose to Jessie (Stacey Farber.) The show follows them from their spontaneous engagement, to telling their parents, to facing the hardships of young married life. The show is filled with great one-liners and hilarious escapades as the two deal with college, jobs, marriage, family, and friends.

Michael Seater, best known for his work as Derek Venturi on the show Life With Derek, plays Tom Bellow, son of homemaker Judith (Ellen David) and judge Ben (Peter Keleghan.) Stacey Farber, best known for playing Ellie Nash from Degrassi: the Next Generation, plays Jessie Hill, daughter of the free-spirited environmentalists Tara (Angela Asher) and Phil (Allain Goulem,) whose official careers are never referenced, but who do have an Iraqi refugee living in their basement. The Bellows are conservative Jews, who believe in the traditional values of marriage, while the Hills (who are not married) believe that weddings are (and I quote) “an exercise in greed with absolutely no bearing on reality” and are more concerned about Tom and Jessie’s sexual and emotional compatibilities than their ability to handle the responsibilities of marriage.

The following is eighteen reasons to fall in love with 18 to Life:

#1: Michael Seater and Stacey Farber are Canadian treasures. Both are members of what I am now dubbing the “Canadian Brat Pack,” those 16-26 year old Canadian actors like Kate Todd or Paula Brancati, who seem to be involved in every Canadian T.V. show directed at young adults, like Degrassi: the Next Generation. This group has included stars like Shenae Grimes (90210,) Nina Dobrev (The Vampire Diaries,) and Aubrey Graham — though you may know him better as the rapper Drake.

#2: It’s funny! Every episode has multiple laugh-out-loud moments: The episode when the Bellows go to extremes just to get rid of an ugly gift from Tara is priceless — especially when, at the end, you get to see the gift!

#3: The love/hate relationship between Ben Bellow and Phil Hill. The two are constantly at each others’ throats, but when they need each other, they’re ready to help.

#4: Michael Seater is adorable, and Stacey Farber is that gorgeous girl you wished you could hate in high school.

#5: New episodes air on Monday nights, and are on Netflix Canada by the following afternoon.

#6: It has cool Canadian stuff: In one episode, Tom and best friend Carter are shopping in a store that is clearly a Dollarama (though it’s never expressly mentioned.)

#7: The official 18 to Life website has a great blog “written” by the show’s characters. “Judith of Suburbia?” Love it!

#8: Peter Keleghan has been a television icon for decades: he played Ranger Gord on the Red Green Show,  and has appeared in shows like Cheers, General Hospital, and Earth: Final Conflict.

#9: Creators Karen Troubetzkoy and Derek Schreyer also created the show 15/Love, another great Canadian teen drama.

#10: The awkward-but-obvious sexual undertones between Tom and Jessie’s respective best friends, Carter (Jesse Rath) and Ava (Erin Agostino.)

#11: Tara and Judi. They don’t hate each other nearly as much as their husbands pretend to, and their scenes are always hilarious and relatable (check out the episode when they start hitting the gym together!)

#12: Tom’s sisters Wendy (Arielle Shiri) and Monica (Kaniehtiio Horn.) I’m really not in love with either of these characters, but they are often used to set up the episode and do give us the opportunity to see characters outside the main cast.

#13: Ellen David (Judi Bellow) played the voice of Bitzi Baxter on everyone’s favourite Saturday-morning cartoon, Arthur. She also has done voice work for video games and shows like Caillou.

#14: Are you a fan of vintage cars and/or the environment? So’s Peter Kelleghan.

#15: The life lessons you learn! Like — if you’re making a sex tape, don’t label it “Petunia Pig,” juuuust in case your parents’ refugee loves Petunia Pig and mails the DVD home to his family…

#16: Fans of Michael Seater: He is in his underwear at least once every episode.

#17: The show’s opening theme song “Yes I Do” is written and performed  by Canadian Hawksley Workman with the Toronto band Dolly.

#18: It’s just a great show! The cast blends well together — the couples all have great chemistry, and their lines are spot-on.

Catch 18 to Life Monday nights at 8:30 on CBC, and follow the show on Twitter and Facebook.

I’m honestly not sure how that joke ends.  Or where it originally started.  I know that when you go to Ireland, the Bank of Scotland signs actually read “Bank of Scotland (Ireland)” and I recall a theory that there are certain beers that can result in a lot of confusion if imbibed even in small amounts, hence the need for clarification of your current location, but really, who cares?

More important than Irish jokes, its time for another comedian to be showcased in our Year of the Comedian, and since March is a time of celebrating Irishness (March 17) or celebrating being a chick (March 8 ) or celebrating your ability to do math (March 14), any comedians relating to these abilities or minority groups were chucked in favor of a Welsh fellow I think everyone needs to hear a bit more about.  Now, I know you’re astute enough to already want to point out that the patron saint of Wales (Saint David) has his day in the sun on March 1, but it’s not March 1 anymore, so Rob Brydon can still complain in a proper fashion.

Yes, this month, in our year of the Comedian focus, we’re going to look at Rob Brydon, master of the “Small Man Trapped in a Box”, voice of a million commercials, frequent failure on QI: Quite Interesting, wonderfully funny stand up comedian, and proud father of four.  Very proud father of four.  In fact, in his performance at the Apollo theatre in 2009 resulted in much bragging about his natural inability to actually father children and a brief musical interlude when describing his wife’s giving birth to their fourth child while he did what Rod Stewart would do (he went golfing).

Rob Brydon is a really strangely entertaining man, and like all proper comedians, he doesn’t really view any topic as sacred.  He frequently jokes about his wife, his world and his Welsh heritage, laughing about his love of golf, or harassing audience members with proper Welsh names and asking questions about why we obsess over preserving languages that really have no business being used anymore.  Despite occasionally complaining about institutionalized racism against the Welsh, he is quick to have a go at his nation, pointing out the odd spelling of pretty much everything, the proper Welsh names, the fact that Welsh children learn the language in schools because it’s incredibly useful across Europe and the tendency of the Welsh to complain.  Don’t laugh at those jokes though, that’s racism.

A frequent guest on QI: Quite Interesting and host of Would I Lie to You?, and well known as Uncle Bryn on popular comedy-drama Gavin and Stacey, Brydon does not just limit himself to stand up comedy or television or stage.  He’s also provided his voice for numerous Discworld stories, is the author of Making Divorce Work and is a skilled impressionist and singer.  No, he does not have any albums out, but some of his stand up does result in singing (most entertainingly, he sang “When a Child is Born” whilst describing his youngest son’s birth in a rather Chucky horror film style) and he has sung in a number of television performances.

North Americans may not understand all of his humor, however the vast majority of it is easy to grasp and does not require any understanding of Welsh or British culture.  Certainly, it can help in some cases, but you and I both know you’re smart, so I’m sure you’ll not need to study before seeing any of his shows.  After all, we’ve all heard the joke about the sheep tied to a lamp post in the centre of Cardiff.  I love that one.

Rob Brydon can be found on Annually Retentive, Gavin and Stacey, The Keith Barrett Show, hosts Would I Lie to You? and has a DVD featuring his live stand up show.  He is currently working on an autobiography to be released this fall.

This past week, I had the chance to interview David Robert, one of the panelists on the MTV Canada show 1 Girl, 5 Gays, also broadcast on LOGO in the U.S.. 1G5G is a half-hour panel of — you guessed it! — one girl (Aliya-Jasmine) and five randomly selected gay men from the show’s pool of 25 who discuss love, sex and relationships, among other things. All of the panel members are completely candid — which makes for some R-rated television sometimes, and for some uncomfortable moments on the show. David was kind enough to take us inside the show and tell us what it’s really like to be under those hot studio lights.

Why did you get involved in 1 Girl 5 Gays? What inspired you to audition? I actually worked at MTV on another show called The After Show for about a year before 1 Girl 5 Gays came out. Our producer came up to me and said “would you be willing to talk about sex on TV?” I laughed and said “yes”; we shot a pilot the next week and 2 weeks after that episode 1 aired.

It was crazy fast.

What was the craziest moment on the show? We’ve had a lot of crazy moments. We’ve had really fun moments — where like, on season 2 episode 14 we were like DRUNK. We always have a few drinks, but I was NOT sober that episode and it ended up being one of my favourites. We’ve had crazy serious moments, like Matt Barker talking about his experiences with domestic violence where we all didn’t really agree with what he was saying. The show is like 22 minutes of craziness every week.

Have you ever said something on the show, then thought “OMG! I can’t believe I said that!” Oh my god, ALL the time. The biggest one would probably be where I talked about jerking off at my desk in school once — STILL to this day people come up to me and ask me about it. Sometimes I’ll be talking shit about an ex and think to myself “he’s gonna see this and totally know I’m talking about him”, but I love the show and I love getting to be so honest, so it’s all good.

Is there anything you absolutely will NOT talk about on the show? Honestly, not really. I absolutely hate the word “wrong”, so sometimes they’ll ask us if we think something is “wrong” and I refuse to answer that. Whose definition of wrong are we going by, you know?

Do you get recognized when you’re out in public? Ya, that has been the craziest part of all of this. I’m always thinking that I have something on my face, but then my friends will be like “No, they’re looking at you because they just watch the show”. Everyone has been incredibly nice, I’ve met so many cool fans, including people you would never think watch the show, like really old people or like straight male teenagers who say things like “I was homophobic before but you guys totally make me realize you’re just like everyone else”. It’s been really cool.

What has the public reaction been to the show? What has your family’s reaction been to your appearance on the show? I’m truly shocked by the public’s reaction. When we were shooting the first couple episodes we all talked about how we should anticipate some serious homophobia to the show and possible vicious things being said and printed about us and the show, but it never happened. The LACK of homophobia to the show has been surprising. It’s been all support. I haven’t gotten a single mean Tweet. It’s been amazing. We’re so lucky. My family thinks its hilarious. I come from such a tight-knit family that has ALWAYS been supportive of what I’ve been doing, and of me being gay obviously. My dad always jokes that he watches the show with his finger on the ‘mute’ button for the really sexual stuff though. Does any parent want to hear their kid talking about blow-jobs?

What was the most uncomfortable moment on the show? I’m not a fighter. I’ll stand up for myself and my friends in every situation, but I don’t like starting drama or awkwardness, so when some of the guys on the show have had issues with me and have chosen to call me out ON the show… that’s been uncomfortable. Andrew hating on my tattoos? Uncomfortable!

If you could make up Aliya-Jasmine’s questions, what would you ask? I have asked our producer Garrett to ask the question “Who is/was your favourite Spice Girl growing up?” and it NEVER gets asked. I want to know everyone’s answer to that question! (My two faves were Scary and Posh, P.S.)

Which 5 guys would be your ultimate panel? If I was at home watching an episode, I’d want it to be:

• Juan (I think he’s the biggest superstar in Canada)
• Jonathan Nathaniel (the sweetest guy on the show, hands down)
• Philip (how fun/adorable is he?)
• Ian Lynch (he is so nice and funny, just love him)
• Jake (he’s such a nice guy at heart, and isn’t too hard on the eyes)

What do you do when you’re not on the show? What’s next for you? I throw a really cool party every Wednesday in Toronto called ‘Z-List’ at Cobra and I work at a marketing company that I adore. When the show ends I want to take the little bit of money I’ve made and do some traveling. I want to visit some cool places in South America and hit a couple of the European countries I’ve never been to like Greece and Portugal.

Questions from Twitter:

@CSBitch101: Do you have any regrets or doubts being on such a candid show, or is it always awesome? I kind of knew what I was getting in to from the beginning, and as much as we’re silly and sexual, we talk about a LOT of serious and important topics. I get the most heart-wrenching e-mails from people that make me feel so grateful for getting to be a part of something that I think is groundbreaking. I would have watched 1 Girl 5 Gays when I was a gay growing up if it had been on.

@TheRealTKBoy How has your life changed since being famous? Is it easier to get a date? It’s HARDER to get a date. It’s funny, some of the guys on the show say that like 3 or 4 guys come up to them a day and ask for their number and I get like NONE. So, if you’re cute and single let me know!

For this week’s American Idol, we shift into group rounds. The rules for this round are as follows: Contestants must form a group with a minimum of five people and use contestants from Day One and Day Two. You must choose a song and choreograph for it, as well as make it sound good. Contestants will be judged on this and previous performances, and individuals will be evaluated in the end.

For one contestant in particular, group rounds did not start off well. Tiffany Rios made a very condescending comment at the beginning of the very irrelevant round one. She basically said that everyone who isn’t her sucks at singing. She was looking through several groups during this time and could not find a single person who wanted to work with her. It seemed that she may find a group member in Scotty McCreery who, with his unique sound and all, was having a problem trying to find a group himself.

After about two hours Scott had finally found a group with Clint Jun Gamboa, Jaycee Badeaux and two other girls. They immediately got to work. What did this group call themselves? “The Guaps”, and I have no idea why because it sounds really dumb. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

By 11 pm everyone is in a group except for Tiffany. Eventually, she begs her fellow contestants in attempt to recruit a singer from the group “Sugar Mama’s”. They still lacked one group member, and since it seemed that no one wanted to be with them at all, producers let the two go ahead and perform as a duet.

For a while, there was a lack of space for practicing until several groups decided that the acoustics in the bathrooms were awesome! By this time, everyone was either working hard or hardly working. Hardly working seemed to be what was going on with “Three’s Company” (Jacqueline minus Nick, Rob and Chelsee–the ex-couple). Rob was having a horrible time — he was tired, grumpy and frustrated. It had been a very long night that just kept getting longer.

There was a bit of confrontation between “The Deep V’s” and “The Minors” when the Deep V’s decided that it was unfair for the moms of The Minors to be coaching them. I have to say that I’m inclined to agree — parents shouldn’t be helping. It also didn’t help that these two groups were doing the same Queen song.

Coming closer and closer to midnight, emotions were running high and people were falling apart; mainly Ashley Sullivan. This girl cried and cried and cried and then said that she wanted out. American Idol staff talked her out of this and gave her some time to go and think about her decision. In the end, she stayed. Her group welcomed her back with open arms and got right to work…again.

Its working on 2 am at this point and Clint of “The Guaps” kicked Jaycee out of his group. The reason is unknown, but only one person stuck up for Jaycee and that’s Francis. A very sad Jaycee runs off in search of another group. Eventually he found “The Sugar Mama’s” and was welcomed into the fold.

At about 3 am, almost everyone rolls out. Three’s Company is still working on their performance and has seemingly gotten nowhere. Rob was being incredibly impatient and counterproductive. A few groups are still there at 4:30 am, but are getting more tired by the minute. At 7 am things pick up again (including the constant bickering). For some, the end of the road will be very soon. Before performances began, contestants got some words of wisdom from the judges; however, the wisest of them was Randy Jackson who reminded the contestants…”Don’t EVER forget the words!”

It’s no secret that I love MTV’s Jersey Shore. I love the people, the setting, the smushing, the ridiculous fights. I do realize, however, that not everyone shares my love for – as the Japanese call it – The New Jersey Life of Macaroni Rascals, so for those of you who don’t know what I mean when I say “I’m going to GTL with the MVP so I can get FTD in MIA,” here is a guide to understanding Jersey Shore. Grab a glass of Ron-Ron Juice, and pop a squat on the couch (but not the white one; I don’t want you to get it all orange.)

The Look:

To perfect the Jersey look, here is what you need:

Guidos: To be a guido for a day, you will need a few essential items. Firstly, you need a pair of jeans that, despite a metal-studded belt, still manage to droop below your bum, showing off your boxers to the world. Next, you will need to have two t-shirts. The first one is “the shirt before the shirt.” This one is suitable for wearing throughout the day, while laying around the house, discussing politics, world issues, and the like. The second t-shirt is to change into just before leaving the house for the club at night. Add to this outfit a pair of freshly-cleaned sneakers, silver chains, a Rolex and massive amounts of hair product. Last, but certainly not least, you need a tan. This can be obtained in any of three ways: spray, sun, booth; your pick. When you’re all suited up, you’ll be set to take down the town!

Guidettes: You ladies are a special breed. Daywear for the guidette is simple enough: track pants (rolled over at the top so that at least three inches of your thong/bum are visible,) and a pair of dirty, stained, scuffed slippers — fuzzy animals are best. To complete your Jersey Lady eveningwear, you will need to start with a skin-tight dress – the shorter the better! You must be showing at least 60% of your breasts; otherwise, you might as well move to Salt Lake City and take up Mormonism. Underwear is, of course, optional. Next come your shoes: If you can walk in your high heels, they’re not high enough. The hair is the next step to completing the guidette look. In short, straighten your hair within an inch of its life. When it cries for mercy, it’s time to start teasing. Hair must be at least two inches tall at the crown, and the “pouf” must be at least six inches tall. Again, complete the look with silver chains and a watch. Oh — and don’t forget your tan! This is where the guidos and guidettes differ: where the guidos can get away with only one type of tan, guidettes need all three. That’s right; to master the guidette tan, you must tan at a salon (or in your own personal tanning booth,) spend hours baking in the sun, and supplement with a spray tan. Preferably do all three of these every single day.

The Lingo:

Double Bagger: We’ve all heard of putting a paper bag over a sexual partner’s head to avoid having to look at them, right? A double bagger is the same concept, but, as Ronnie described it, “You put a bag over your head, too, in case hers falls off.”

FTD: Fresh To Death. Staying in your best shape and as orange as your melanin will allow.

MVP: As in sports, Most Valuable Player. This is also what Mike, Vinny and Pauly call their gang.

Guido: An Italian fellow. This man is known for his charm, poise and intellect. He speaks with the standard New Jersey drawl, regardless of his hometown.

Guidette: A female guido. This kind darling is known for her grace, poise, and impeccable manners.

GTL: Gym, Tanning, Laundry. This is the guido’s daily itinerary.

Smush: To engage in sexual activity.

Smush Room: Lovingly called the “guest room” in the house, this is a communal room which may be “claimed” each night in which a member of the house may bring his or her conquest to smush.

DTF: Literally, Down To F–k. See: Smush.

DTS: Down To Snuggle.

Grenade: An unattractive member of the opposite sex.

Land Mine: An unattractive overweight member of the opposite sex.

Grenade Grundle Chode: The least attractive male in a group of guidos.

Hippo: An extremely unattractive, extremely overweight member of the opposite sex.

MIA: Miami.

Creeping: Much like the majestic lion hunts its prey, the guido skulks around a dance floor looking for a vulnerable girl to lure back into his lair. See: Smush Room.

Fist Pump: The mating call of the guido. Invented by Vinny, this action involves pumping one’s fist into the air along to the beat of the music.

Juicehead: Also known as a “Gorilla,” this guido is pumped full of steroids and is big enough from his gym time that he has to turn sideways to fit through a standard doorway. These men are extremely attractive to guidettes.

Robbery: When one guido steals his bro’s conquest.

Getting it in: Having sex. See: Smush.

GFF: Grenade-Free Foundation. See MVP.

Situation: Pretty much anything involving Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.

Congratulations! You are almost a guido/guidette! To complete your training please immediately head to the nearest tanning salon and order the “Lindsay Lohan” spray tan. Get two, just in case, then head to the nearest bar and get as drunk as possible. Order some fried pickles, too, just for good measure. I leave you with this parting wisdom: “If you have to think about it… It is.”

As everyone knows, it’s Oscar season! After the big event on February 27th, people will soon forget who won what, who looked like a hot mess, and whose

speech went on waaay too long. What people will remember, however, is how awesome, or lame, your party was. Assuming you want your guests to come back next year, here are some tips.

First things first, you need to pick a theme. It can just be a regular party with sliders and beer but, hey, this is the Oscars. Maybe you want to pick a movie or a category and use that for your theme. Make your home an English pub for The King’s Speech, knock somebody’s chair out from under them for Inception, or don’t have any food at all in honor of Black Swan.

It doesn’t need to be over the top, and everything doesn’t need to match. A theme will help hold things together and will actually make your planning easier. If you want something that doesn’t fit the theme, just figure out a way to name it that will make it fit. The world is your oyster. Just pick something and go with it. Everybody loves Winter’s Boneless Buffalo Wings!

Once you’ve set the scene, the party itself has to be fun. A good ambiance won’t matter if you just sit staring at the television all night. So, you need games to keep things interesting. The traditional Oscar pool is always a good idea, but mix it up a little to keep things fresh. It doesn’t have to be just about who wins and who loses. Throw in some fresh categories. Will anybody trip? What will the hot new color be on the red carpet?

Turn it into bingo: squares for tears during an acceptance speech, somebody looks pissed they didn’t win (or looking too happy to lose). Somebody comments on the fact that Helen Mirren is hotter than women half her age? There’s a square for that! You could also turn this into a drinking game, but it will be a little harder to get to work on Monday morning.

An over/under is also an easy to run game that will still allow you to concentrate on the show. It’s easy and straightforward. What’s the over/under on how late will it run? How many musical numbers in the opening act? Tailor it for the things you and your guests are most likely to be watching for anyway.

The games are all about the prizes. You can have everybody pay into the pool, but you can also come up with fun and inexpensive things. Again, go with the theme and with the taste of your friends. You don’t have to break the bank to throw the best party of the year, and become the most coveted Oscar Party invitation of 2012.

From Los Angeles we move along California and end up in San Francisco. This is where we found Adam Lambert who didn’t win Idol but now has a thriving

music career. Hopefully some of his talent might have rubbed off on some of the contestants we have yet to see.

1. Inessa Lee, 22 ~ All the way from the Ukraine, we get this crazy-fabulous young soul. She had more energetic than a triple espresso shot from Starbucks. Inessa was extremely hyper, and couldn’t help being adorable as well! In fact, Steven Tyler said that she gets a 110% for cuteness. I completely agree, but sadly, she gets a 4/10 in ability to sing. Lee left in high/cocky spirits bragging that they were missing out, and that she would be the next American Idol someday. Once away from the judging room and into the elevator, the tears started to drip and the arrogant attitude was on high. RESULT: Home

2. Stefano Langone, 21 ~ His story is one of sweat, blood and tears; brace yourself. On May 28th, 2009, Stefano was in a car accident. Once he was in the hospital, he was thought to be dead and, fortunately, he wasn’t. When he woke up, the doctors told him that he wouldn’t be able to do anything — he’d be a cripple for life. Contrary to medical belief, Langone overcame the circumstances and joins us here today. This medical miracle gave us a very sweet cover of ‘Heard It Through the Grapevine’ by Marvin Gaye. he did an awesome job. RESULT: Hollywood

3. Clint Jun Gamboa, 27 ~ No, he does not have a mental disorder. Just wanted to get that out of the way. This young’n works at as a karaoke DJ, and was always told that he could sing very well, which he can. Clint “June Bug” Gamboa decided to sing the Bruno Mars part of ‘Billionaire’, and it was wonderful, at least, enough to make Randy say that he was the “Best in California so far!” Three yes votes to Hollywood.

4. Kenneth Berba, 22 ~ He came in dressed as a screaming red monkey from The Wizard of Oz. Got a quick and painful NO, and then had the nerve to argue it. RESULT: Is there one needed? HOME!

5. Drew Beaumier, 24 ~ No one was sure whether to be completely amazed or disgraced that this grown man came dressed in a self-made — but very convincing — transforming car (he kinda looked like a Power Ranger too.) The suit allowed him to go down into a crawling position and actually drive. Unfortunately, that was the best part of his audition. Drew gave a us a murderous rendition of ‘Born to be Wild.’ RESULT: Home

6. Julie Zorilla, 20 ~ A very inspiring story of a girl and her family who moved from Colombia because of the increasing violence. This stunning young woman appeared in the judging room with some very high-heeled sparkly shoes that J-Lo automatically fell in love with. Aside from her shoes, she had a wonderful singing voice. The song she chose to dazzle us with was ‘Summertime.’ Julie breezed tremendously through with two yes votes and  a “Big, sparkly shoe yes!” from J-Lo. RESULT: Hollywood

7.  Dave Combs, 25 ~  Dave disgraced The Beatles and Steven Tyler (who was wearing a Beatles shirt.) The song was off key to the point where it was unrecognizable. RESULT: Home (If you were still watching at this point: You would be exposed to a montage of Steven getting very angry and insulting a bunch of sucky contestants.)

8. Emily Ann Reeves ~ Her house burned down a few days before auditions. Needless to say she is very upset. She won the award for most interesting voice by singing a Harry Warren tune. Jennifer gave her another chance and she moved onto Hollywood.

9. James Durbin, 21 ~ James has already become a fan favorite! This young man has a sob story for days. To sum it up: His dad was hardly ever home and died of a drug overdose when James was only nine. Later in life James was diagnosed with Tourettes syndrome and high functioning autism. He was always teased in school and basically had an all-around hard life. As he got older, he fell in love with a girl named Heidi and they got pregnant out of wed-lock. He is currently jobless and struggling to raise a son and keep a family together.  Derbin was concerned that during his audition, his Tourettes would get the best of him, but thankfully it didn’t. He was so good that the judges let him do another song, it just happened to be Steven Tyler’s own ‘Dream On.’ After he finished his audition he was ticking like crazy. But he got through! RESULT: Hollywood

With this, we wrap-up the audition weeks of American Idol. We’ve seen the best of the best and the acts from hell. San Francisco was very good to us and now we move on with hundreds of contestants in possession of their golden tickets to Hollywood.

Next Week: Hollywood Week BEGINS!

Except instead of a Scarecrow, a Tin Man and a Lion, there’s ghost, a vampire, and a pair of werewolves.  The mystical land is debatable too: they live in Wales and are originally from Bristol.  Also, there’s no Dorothy (if there is, she was either mauled by the werewolf in series one or killed by the vampire in series two).  Also, it’s quite deep, and it offers a surprisingly poignant observation of our perceptions of life and death.  Despite lacking humans as main characters, Being Human is quite a dramatic and humorous story of four people drawn together and thrust into a distorted reflection of reality, that part is quite Oz.

I’ll start by pointing out that this is not going to reference the new American remake, which, for some odd reason, is an attempt to just tell the same story but without them strange accents what with those Europeans talk.  I’m recommending that if you speak and understand English, watch the original British version of Being Human, which is midway through it’s third season.  I probably should warn, this show is not for kids.  It contains ample amounts of swearing, sexual themes, lots of violence and almost as much nudity. As such, if you have any problems with any of that, or if you’re squeamish about blood, maybe stick to something more PG (try Whites if you want drama/humor or Sherlock if you want a body count without nudity).

The characters are, as previously mentioned, a vampire, some werewolves and a ghost, each with their own stories and their own reasons for wanting to try and remain at least partially human.  Mitchell (Aidan Turner), a vampire almost as famous as Vlad the Impaler for his brutal, heartless kills, quit drinking blood after a change of heart in the 1960′s.  He’s been to purgatory and back, faced his own monstrosity and treats his “condition” like being a smoker in the process of quitting.  Annie (Lenora Crichlow), a ghost, more than once has said that the monsters are outside her home, not in it, and even after learning the details of her own death, doesn’t lose her cheerful disposition.  Occasionally ignorant of the darkness in others, she is the ever cheerful friend we all have at least one of, and she is constantly pushing her friends to better themselves.  Both Annie and Mitchell have died and been cheated of a proper ending and both have every reason to become very angry, angst ridden characters worthy of Twilight (ew), and while they do have moments of malaise, they still live and enjoy life and are unafraid to do so.  Their two roommates with a pulse, George (Russell Tovey) and his girlfriend Nina (Sinead Keenan) technically are only alive thanks to sheer luck (good or bad luck is debatable).  As a werewolf, George is the embodiment of bipolar disorder, as he is a quiet, introverted young man who is easily the crappiest modern warrior one could find, once a month he becomes so savage that he can tear entire rooms apart with his bear hands.  Nina, originally a very strong character, is less likely to lose control, but she is as lousy a warrior and as torn a personality as George, as she struggles to come to terms with no longer being human in the start of the second series.  The loss of innocence on her part is something that many people should be able to relate to, and her ability to stand up to pretty much anyone rather than sit on the sidelines and scream make her a female character worthy of respect.

Being Human is a comedy in many respects – you will get the warm fuzzies usually about 5-10 minutes before the standard cliffhanger endings. However, there are some very dark ideas which receive a great deal of focus throughout the three series.  Death is a very central theme in Being Human, as each of the main characters has either faced it, or succumbed to it, and all standard ways to go are covered.  Murder, accident, suicide, it’s all shown as being a way to the End, which is shown as being little more than a strange door which the recently deceased go through.  Arguments are abound as to what all is beyond the door, heaven, hell, something else, we don’t know what is past Purgatory.  The doors are all individual, and all people-specific, and as far as the viewer or anyone else know, they all lead someplace a little different.  Some dead open their doors and walk through of their own volition, others are dragged kicking and screaming by invisible force.  Where death leads, though, is all open to interpretation.

While Death is essentially a main character, it’s not one that requires an actor.  The four flatmates, though not human, are the protagonists which show the very best parts of humanity through their struggles to deal with the creature within, their acceptance of their own limitations and their ability to find joy in companionship even when faced with the storm outside their little world.  As Annie points out: they are not the monsters.

In the end, Being Human is less about the gore, or the sex, or even death.  It’s about the relationships and the attempt to find normality.  As Annie says, humanity itself is about “friendship and loyalty, sacrifice and courage”  and the fact that you don’t have to physically be human in order to be human.

Being Human is available for download on iTunes, plays on the Science Fiction channel, BBC America and BBC Canada.  Series 1 and 2 are available for purchase on DVD and BluRay.  Series 3 will be available for download shortly.

From the depths of Texas, we move onto Los Angeles, California for week four American Idol auditions. As usual, we open with the judges making an

appearance; but this time Randy Jackson was wearing a pair of very bright gold shoes. Sadly, that was about the highlight of the trip to the west coast.

1.  Victoria Garrett, 27 ~ This big bag of crazy-woman started us off with some random gospel song. The painful rendition was something to be scoffed at. It was extremely crappy; a degree of crappiness which cannot be described in mere words. As you may guess,  “It’s a no.” RESULT: Home (Duh.)

2. Tim Halperin, 23 ~ This young man is a huge J-Lo fan and decided to serenade Judge Lopez with the Maroon 5 song ‘She Will Be Loved.’ It was a pretty good performance, but not enough to gain the approval of Randy Jackson. Fortunately, it was good enough for Steven and Jennifer who said he had a “Special Tone.” RESULT: Hollywood

3. Daniel Gomez, 18 and Isaac Rodriguez, 18 ~ This pair of guy-friends were flaming, metrosexual, or simply gay-lookin’. This seemed to be the only thing that they could get through to the audience. Daniel looked and sounded like a miniature Adam Lambert, but uglier and more tone-deaf. Isaac tried a little too hard and completely botched the song “Build Me Up Buttercup.” His feedback? Lopez said he has “a nice smile.” Can you say “Consolation prize?”. RESULT: Home (I hope they bought a round-trip ticket.)

4. Karen Rodriguez, 21 ~ Registered first through the MySpace auditions and was accepted. She came from New York all the way to Los Angeles and was quickly let through with a unanimous “Yes!” RESULT: Hollywood

5. Tynisha Roches, 25 ~ This psychopath from Hoboken brought her own microphone. Tynisha started her audition off very badly by completely destroying a tribute to Frank Sinatra — BIG TIME! Before they could even reject her (and EVERYONE saw it coming) she began to chase Randy around the audition room, again completely destroying the song ‘And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going’ from Dream Girls. Finally Randy had enough of it and wrestled the mic from her. She was the first contestant in a while to have to be escorted out by security. She never even got a chance to hear the magic word –”No.” RESULT: Home (Potentially in handcuffs)

6. Heidi Khzam, 23 ~ To make a long story short, she was a very talented belly dancer and a wonderful singer. To make a short story long, since she is a belly dancer she left Steven and Randy with their tongues hanging out of their mouths and jaws on the floor. Jennifer was impressed with her rendition of “Superwoman” by Alicia Keys, as was anyone viewing the program. To make a long story short again: RESULT: Hollywood

7. Matt “Big Stats” Frankel, 27 ~ A self-proclaimed “Freelance music producer,” his audition was completely and totally laughable. Matt started us off by performing a rap to introduce himself. After that torture was over he decided to butcher the song ‘Jenny From the Block.’ Embarrassing. When he was told that he basically could sing, he disclosed to us that he needed to “Lubricate-up” (I’was hoping he meant that he needed to drink some water.) After being told that he should pack his bags and head home, Big Stats came to the conclusion that he was now “beefin’” with Mr. Jackson. RESULT: Home

8. William Roberts¸ 24 ~ Honestly, the only reason he’s being included is because of Steven Tyler–”You’re not ready for 2011…or 12…or 13 American Idol.” RESULT: Home

9. Anthony Granger, 24 ~ This young contestant forced our judging panel to do the “You’re Cut” dance after did a new and improved version of “Pants on the Ground.”  Not only did he sing the song, but he also dropped his pants…and underwear. Go home Anthony… just go Home.

10. Mark, 28 and Aaron Gutierrez, 27 ~ These cute-to-boot brothers did a duet of ‘Lean on Me’ that was truly touching, harmonic, and beautiful in every way. J-Lo loved it and assured them that “It was really, really beautiful.” While Tyler declared it to be “god-like” and unreal.” It was three sweet yes votes. RESULT: Hollywood

11. Cooper Robinson, 59 (or so he thinks, he made it clear to us that he’s not sure) ~ Upon our last audition’s entrance, Steven screamed “Oh my God! Good lord in heaven!” He was exactly right. This street performer murdered our ears with a cover of ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown. The old man almost killed himself and finished his audition short of air. He knew it was a ‘No’ by the look on the judges’ faces. RESULT: Home (He escorted himself out. Mr. Robinson was our last contestant of the day, but was still lurking the hallways afterward. Lopez had to sneak past him accompanied by a security guard. In the words of Randy Jackson, “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!”.)

We’ve finished up in the City of Angels for now. For a super-adorable end of the day, Ryan Seacrest decided it would be a good idea to jump on Randy’s back. Don’t get me wrong, it was funny, but it was also awkward. Thank goodness, for the last week of auditions is right around the corner.

Next Idol: San Francisco